I don’t really know how to relate to a long-term day-in day-out kind of comfortable relationship.
Diane Lane

Last Saturday night, I spent a few moments showing my daughter-in-law some of the men who were viewing my bio from the online dating site most famously known as Plenty of Fish. Of course, she had never been on the site since she is married to my wonderful oldest son, but I just had to do a little show and tell. As an oldest child, I have never been able to shake or break Kindergarten and “sharing” time.

My daughter-in-law became intrigued with the site and menu options including a bunch of different guys who get to view you without even asking. We spent time having fun and cracking up at guys who submitted photos without consulting a loved one. Anyone who has loved ones understands censorship. We settled on a photo of a scruffy looking guy with blue eyes and decided to write him a “quick note”. Is there any other kind? I simply said, “Hello”. Mindful, we were only doing photo shoots and had not progressed to the reading of the personal information stage.

Next morning, scruffy guy writes back and tells me his name and that is it. So, I decided to read his bio which took about an hour. It seems some guys are much better with their fingers than they are with their mouths and tell more than they should. Scruffy shared his likes, dislikes, books, music, quotes, inspirations and perspirations. There was so much stuff that I am sure that the length would qualify for an extra volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica, but they are probably no longer in print.

Scruffy wrote a few more emails with only a couple of words. His last question was with regard to knowing where I lived. Our distance from each other was about an hour too long. After this information, I did not hear from him and decided to let him off the hook with a short note and told him, “bye”. His reply, “I’m looking for long-term? Are you?”

Dazed and confused and trying to figure out how the man of a thousand words who was searching for a long-term gal decided to tell me so with just a few words. Was he all worded out? Did someone else compose his scripture? How do you get to long-term with only a few term words in an email? For all I know, he may be a fan of buffets since it involves long-term sitting and eating and I am not going there.

In the end, I am done with Mr. Long-Term. Who asks such a question? Well, it certainly has to be a guy below the age of 55. Anyone over the double nickels knows that long-term is only for a day. Any time more than that is up to speculation and not worth the worry that long-term, like financial planning, may crash on Wall Street.

Goals help you overcome short-term problems.
Hannah More

 Three, six, nine The goose drank wine The monkey chewed tobacco On the streetcar line The line broke The monkey got choked And they all went to Heaven In a little row boat. Clap, Pat, Clap Pat…Shirley Ellis

I had an online fish on the line for a couple of weeks but the short of it is, is that the fella wrote nice emails, had a nice voice on the telephone but the line broke when he took me to a buffet for our first day.

This is not the best place for steaming a plate full of romantic interest when the ambiance is smothered with gravy, grits and a passel of folks who are just concerned about how much they can pack into their gizzards for $9.99. I even broke down and told him I was a senior citizen so that he could get a discount on the tab. Who makes up this stuff?

I just couldn’t warm up to him over my plastic glass of water and trying to figure out what line to get in with regard to the one-hundred and fifty-nine food choices. What kind of a guy takes a gal to the buffet? I don’t even eat at the buffet at Mexico travel destinations.

It’s fine if you are ordering an omelet for breakfast but the rest of the meal choices are just that, choices. There are so many choices and I am a decision maker. So for $7.99 I chose the salad, seafood and seven glasses of water. Small talk after packing in as much as he could had my eyeballs swimming and looking for the nearest toilet. I struggle with going to the bathroom with strange men sitting across the table from me.

 I wanted to tell him that the dining choice was a poor choice but letting him break the line from his end was to be my intent. If he can’t figure it out, I am certainly not going to tell him that I did not get dressed up in my Victoria Secret underwear, bra, camisole and red “whorerendous” boots to spend an hour at the buffet. I even had to make up a new word to describe my whore outfit to someone who probably appreciates no underwear and sweatpants.

Waiter: And for you sir?
Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
Waiter: Now, when you’re ready take this plate up and…
Homer: [already at buffet taking out a steam tray]
Employee at restaurant: [panicking] No sir! Don’t take the steam tray!

The Simpsons

• Commitment is a Mission Impossible

• Their mother already combs their hair before they leave the house
• They suffer from ED and are not willing to consult with Jennifer Anniston

• They prefer to leave their gum on the bedpost over night.
• They secretly adore Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and know that a perfect couple can never be matched, ever

• They don’t need someone to tell them that their socks don’t match
• They would rather walk the Boardwalk Empire and just experience Nuckie

• Johnny Depp threatened them with missing body parts tooled away by Tim Allen

• They prefer to eat at the Buffet and don’t believe in dining
• They are only interested in Forrest Gump and Bubba Shrimp and know that they can’t have their seafood and eat it too

• They know that David Letterman holds the ten reasons and they are holding out for number eleven before they decide to commit. This will probably never happen since they cannot count to eleven and only understand counting that includes dollar bills and a debit card.

I’m doing naughty things, I’m drinking too much, I’m going to clubs. It really didn’t matter to me, other than the fact that some parents wouldn’t let their kids hang out with me.
Macaulay Culkin

             I have a tweet account that is tied to my blog. Interestingly, I have a tweet relationship with a fella who works in the lucrative world of marketing. From his tweets, it sounded like he did well so I asked him for some savvy advice with regard to marketing my book, Plenty of Carp.

            The advice he gave me was in the form of a question, “What do you desire?” I thought about this and since tweets can only be 140 characters, I had to give free license to the thoughts in my head.

            “Is the desire of my heart, the desire of making an impact with the message in my book or is the desire for something long term? The desire of my heart is not to have any more burst blood vessels in the temple of my forehead due to bad dates, my desire for the impact of my book is to connect with others and the desire for something long term is to have it all.

             All means a relationship similar to what a box of Decon does for a mouse. I learned this from a male disc jockey on a local radio station. His summation of a good  relationship is one that takes 15 minutes to satisfy, does not raid your frig and does not leave a poop stain in the toilet. In other words, in 15 minutes is the mouse is dead.

Fifteen minutes is enough time to have fun with a “real” woman and or man and then call it a night. In the morning, you awake to No what in the Hell did I do last night, have food in the frig and no poop stains in the toilet unless they belong to yours truly. Also, you have the rest of the day to figure out if you need another box of Decon or if the current one will suffice.

 My desire for my book was to tell about me and for others to relate to them. Mr. Marketeer advised I should write about others. I did this with my Fargo story and have decided this is a good marketing strategy. Men and women alike have chosen to share everything I did not ask but loved being told. So, I do plan to write about others who have given me free information and not asking permission.

Long term, I would like to light the world on fire. The most common thing men ask me is if I have been trying to behave myself. I said, “Yes, lately I have been. I have been in so much trouble and I am trying to behave to see if I can make it a consistent behavior.”

All of my men told me to stop it. Behaving is boring, you don’t have any stories to tell and you aren’t making anyone happy. Hearing this, I decided to continue being naughty. And yes, I do plan to share the naughty of others and no I am not a parent to Macaulay Culkin

I do quite naughty things now. I do like to be a bit sexy.
Kylie Minogue

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper  Comedian

            I have a Fargo, North Dakota galfriend who says, “Aye, You Betcha.” We chatted this morning and I asked her “How’s tricks”? I think the expression “How’s Tricks” is about prostitution and not about a breakfast cereal. Her tricks had to do with neither.

             Fargo explained that she met a Boy Toy who was a lot of laughs and interesting. This was hard for me to fathom since she met him at a bar at the Express Lanes Bowling Alley. I thought these bars only catered to guys who couldn’t find their balls. Also, he had on a regular pair of jeans that actually stayed up at his hips without the aid of a belt. What she was trying to say was that he found out “where’s the beef” and didn’t have to ask Clara Peller.

            Boy Toy decided my friend was also funny, interesting and may come with another lane available that is used after dark. Fargo thought, what the hey and maybe this adventure will lead to a romp in another kind of hay.

             No such luck. After a lot of this, that, these and those, Boy Toy feel asleep. Obviously, he had no idea where the lane was since he left his balls at the Express Lanes. He was not equipped with regard to expressing himself and fell asleep.

 The next morning, bright and early and before the crack of dawn, Boy Toy nudged Fargo and was interested in knowing if her alley was still available. Fargo said, “Yes, all lanes are available in the morning and only one is necessary.”

 Once again, Boy Toy had no luck since his aim came with a left hook. Fargo said she did not have a manual detailing and explaining left hooks and instead asked him if he came with batteries.

  Boy Toy was miffed and had no idea what batteries had to do with a left hook. Fargo told him that batteries are always used to straighten out a left hook and that all toys sometimes need to be recharged.

This Boy Toy did not come equipped with batteries so Fargo told him to find another more satisfying sport. All sports equipment should come with batteries or at least an electrical cord that plugs into an outlet. With one charged the other one can get off.

The best looking men

are in the airport,

and on airplanes.

When meeting

We become locked

in a time warp

with no past

and no future.

Our time together is

about the present

and being present.

Eyes observe

Adidas logo wear

Trim, fit build

Business attaché

Just the right height

Pleasant face with smile

Genuinely interested.

All is wonderful when

Meeting in an airport

Nothing to do

But pass the time

No past, no future,

Just a twilight zone

In a fifth dimension.

Boarding planes

Couples part

No past, no future

Only the present

The gift is gone.

One goes to London

On business

One goes home

To other business

A memory.

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, I can’t do this anymore.
Mrs. Robinson: You what?
Benjamin: This is all terribly wrong.
Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?
Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you’re the most attractive of all my parents’ friends. I mean that.

            One of my girlfriends, or rather a long-term acquaintance, told me that after writing my book with only a few younger men as characters, that I should write another book about dating younger men. I told her there were enough younger men mentioned in my first book to satisfy me. Satisfaction in this sense means I will think of dating a younger man if by chance it happens, but if not, then not. Age is not a factor with my dating unless the guy is still in diapers.

            Age is a factor with men. Without a doubt, the first question out of a man’s mouth is, “How old are you?” This is just plain rude or indicates the guy has a brain the size of a grape. I would like to say the size of a mustard seed since it is the smallest seed on the planet, but we all know that a mustard seed grows to be one of the largest trees. Mustard seeds are Biblical in nature and in stature.

            With regard to age from one woman’s viewpoint, I am the new Mrs. Robinson, the female lead in the movie The Graduate starring Anne Bancroft and a very young Dustin Hoffman. After reading my book, she mentioned on Twitter, since we do Mentions on Twitter, that my book caused her to raise her eyebrows, thus the name and gal comparison. Since I am an older gal, but not older than dirt and out of diapers, I took this as a compliment.

            Thinking about the Benjamins in my book with my Mrs.Robinson’s seductions and a few conquests, I am able to roast Peas and Carrots, Woodcock, Belly Ache, Dukey, Charmin, Bucky, Asics, Aqua Boy, and Oral Hygiene. I would have preferred that there were only three so that I could refer to them as my three little pigs, my three little bears, or my three blind mice. But since I did date nine, I guess I’ll have to refer to them as my Number Nines and give John Lennon the credit for my dating mishaps.

            For future, I am going to be Mrs. Robinson. The guys in my dating age bracket are back to diapers known as Depends and I can’t depend on them to change their own pants. I am out of the diaper changing stage since my grandsons have graduated to pull-ups.

            Seeing myself as Mrs. Robinson puts a smile on my face. I thank the gal on Twitter every day for the reference. At the end of the day, what is important is what puts a smile on your face. Dating younger guys who are out of diapers definitely puts a smile on my face.

Dating: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Unknown

            There is not one date that I have had that I am able to forget. Maybe it is my fight against the Alzheimer’s factor and my desire to keep the elephant that is in the room that is the least forgetting as my friend. Maybe it is my desire to laugh at my past. And just maybe there is a part of me that doesn’t want to forget my past since it has brought me to my present. And with this thought, I present all of my guys of my past this thought of friendship in the present.

            It would be nice if all of the guys I met could just be friends. Why is it so difficult to separate the beginning thought of possibly finding someone to spend the rest of my life with versus coming to the conclusion that this guy would make a great friend. I can’t see him as a lover, but I do see him as a friend.

            I have met guys who drive nice cars, have lots of money, have no money, have multiple wives and multiple children, enjoy piercing body parts, talking dirty, doing dirty, don’t shave, have no fashion sense and need couch loads of therapy.

            The thought of friends can be likened to Samantha from Sex in the City when she tries to befriend the Turtle. Initially, she didn’t like him or his breath but saw him as a lost cause in which her cause included changes in his life that might make him a better person if he just shut his mouth and stayed a friend.

             If the men I dated were my friends, I would have enough causes to save for the rest of not only my life but also theirs. We could spend endless hours driving around the country side, talking about past dates with abandonment, giving fashion advice and analyzing what to do with past offspring attached to wives who were trying to outrun the money that didn’t exist.

            There wouldn’t have to be an agenda, any idea that sex could mess everything up, thinking about STD’s, or the fact that you want to come at the guy with a razor and a new pair of underwear. All of these so-called issues could be simple conversations over simple glasses of wine and knowing that picking up the tab isn’t a problem since friends can always decide sanely that what is mine is also yours.

            In the end, why can’t we be friends is never addressed. I promise myself that on future dates I will always begin with, “Hi, my name is Cindy and why can’t we be friends?” I can’t think of a more nonthreatening way to being a date. There isn’t anything hostile about becoming friends and if the fella is a complete oxymoron the both of you can still be friends. A big black book full of friends sounds like a good goal. It seems like a much better idea than the brain fart I had of pasting the pictures from Plenty of Fish on my basement wall and using them for dart practice.

Friends are like roses…you have to look out for the pricks!
 Unknown

Interesting Article on How to improve the semen taste

After reading the jazz about the jizz, I do have a few research based comments. First of all, I did not know that it was a protein drink until I looked up the ingredients. Ejaculate consists mostly of protein, citric acid, fructose, sodium, chloride and smaller amounts of ammonia, ascorbic acid, acid phosphates, calcium, carbon dioxide, cholesterol, prostaglandins, creatine, and other minerals and chemicals which are produced by the prostate gland, cowpers gland, testicles and many other parts of your body, but shortly by “your body”, and your body can only use its stocks and what you eat as its raw material. The solution to the jazz about jizz is to put it in the blender with a little fruit and both partners can enjoy the protein drink with a slice of cheese. Better yet, since it is a protein drink, it could also be poured over morning breakfast in lieu of milk.

Black women don’t have the same body image problems as white women. They are proud of their bodies. Black men love big butts.
 Tyra Banks quotes 

White women, on the other hand or maybe it is the other cheek, do have different body images and are concerned if their butts look big. I thought about the famous songster 50 Cent and wondered if he would give his four-bits worth. He wasn’t available so here is my quarter or two-bits worth.

Ten Men to Date that accentuate the positive of a butt that might be big or,

You might have a big butt if you date:

1. Public Officials: They don’t have money in their pockets so you can bet they won’t have much else in their pants.
2. Farmers: They are always walking around looking for a hoe and you might be his Ho with a big butt.
3. Plumbers: These men can’t keep their pants up so you will always look like you have a big butt.
4. Aged Hippies: Who still don’t eat anything except field corn and red potatoes. Walking next to a cob will always make you look like you have a big butt.
5. Laundry Experts: These men always have their butts on the line so you can be sure yours isn’t the one that is doing the flapping in the breeze.
6. Zippers: Are extremely skinny men and when they stand sideways and stick out their tongues, they look like zippers. Next to these guys, any gal from the side looks like she has a big butt.

7. The Mechanic Monkeys: Always have a wrench in their hand and are wandering around looking for parts. Part-time with him will ensure a big butt since time spent with him is either on a tool box or the garage floor.
8. The Deck Ape also known as a Swabie: Hanging from the side of ship and waxing doesn’t allow time for his asset to balloon out and resemble the sponge effect.
9. The Lawyer: Shoots off his mouth as much as he shoots off his assets so you can bet you’ll have a big butt when standing next to him.
10. The Grave Digger: is always bending over and shoveling anything that begins with the letter “s” which may be some of his. Too much “s” means a big butt for you.

Two ways to guarantee you won’t have a big butt: Stand next to Kim Kardashian or JoLo and low and behold your asset looks just right.