Cindy Lucy's Blog

Looking for Ms. Long-Term

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 16:19:29 -0500

I don’t really know how to relate to a long-term day-in day-out kind of comfortable relationship.
Diane Lane

Last Saturday night, I spent a few moments showing my daughter-in-law some of the men who were viewing my bio from the online dating site most famously known as Plenty of Fish. Of course, she had never been on the site since she is married to my wonderful oldest son, but I just had to do a little show and tell. As an oldest child, I have never been able to shake or break Kindergarten and “sharing” time.

My daughter-in-law became intrigued with the site and menu options including a bunch of different guys who get to view you without even asking. We spent time having fun and cracking up at guys who submitted photos without consulting a loved one. Anyone who has loved ones understands censorship. We settled on a photo of a scruffy looking guy with blue eyes and decided to write him a “quick note”. Is there any other kind? I simply said, “Hello”. Mindful, we were only doing photo shoots and had not progressed to the reading of the personal information stage.

Next morning, scruffy guy writes back and tells me his name and that is it. So, I decided to read his bio which took about an hour. It seems some guys are much better with their fingers than they are with their mouths and tell more than they should. Scruffy shared his likes, dislikes, books, music, quotes, inspirations and perspirations. There was so much stuff that I am sure that the length would qualify for an extra volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica, but they are probably no longer in print.

Scruffy wrote a few more emails with only a couple of words. His last question was with regard to knowing where I lived. Our distance from each other was about an hour too long. After this information, I did not hear from him and decided to let him off the hook with a short note and told him, “bye”. His reply, “I’m looking for long-term? Are you?”

Dazed and confused and trying to figure out how the man of a thousand words who was searching for a long-term gal decided to tell me so with just a few words. Was he all worded out? Did someone else compose his scripture? How do you get to long-term with only a few term words in an email? For all I know, he may be a fan of buffets since it involves long-term sitting and eating and I am not going there.

In the end, I am done with Mr. Long-Term. Who asks such a question? Well, it certainly has to be a guy below the age of 55. Anyone over the double nickels knows that long-term is only for a day. Any time more than that is up to speculation and not worth the worry that long-term, like financial planning, may crash on Wall Street.

Goals help you overcome short-term problems.
Hannah More

The Buffet

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 07:00:05 -0500

Three, six, nine The goose drank wine The monkey chewed tobacco On the streetcar line The line broke The monkey got choked And they all went to Heaven In a little row boat. Clap, Pat, Clap Pat…Shirley Ellis

I had an online fish on the line for a couple of weeks but the short of it is, is that the fella wrote nice emails, had a nice voice on the telephone but the line broke when he took me to a buffet for our first day.

This is not the best place for steaming a plate full of romantic interest when the ambiance is smothered with gravy, grits and a passel of folks who are just concerned about how much they can pack into their gizzards for $9.99. I even broke down and told him I was a senior citizen so that he could get a discount on the tab. Who makes up this stuff?

I just couldn’t warm up to him over my plastic glass of water and trying to figure out what line to get in with regard to the one-hundred and fifty-nine food choices. What kind of a guy takes a gal to the buffet? I don’t even eat at the buffet at Mexico travel destinations.

It’s fine if you are ordering an omelet for breakfast but the rest of the meal choices are just that, choices. There are so many choices and I am a decision maker. So for $7.99 I chose the salad, seafood and seven glasses of water. Small talk after packing in as much as he could had my eyeballs swimming and looking for the nearest toilet. I struggle with going to the bathroom with strange men sitting across the table from me.

I wanted to tell him that the dining choice was a poor choice but letting him break the line from his end was to be my intent. If he can’t figure it out, I am certainly not going to tell him that I did not get dressed up in my Victoria Secret underwear, bra, camisole and red “whorerendous” boots to spend an hour at the buffet. I even had to make up a new word to describe my whore outfit to someone who probably appreciates no underwear and sweatpants.

Waiter: And for you sir?
Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
Waiter: Now, when you’re ready take this plate up and…
Homer: [already at buffet taking out a steam tray]
Employee at restaurant: [panicking] No sir! Don’t take the steam tray!

The Simpsons

The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Aren't Committing

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:13:25 -0500

Commitment is a Mission Impossible

Their mother already combs their hair before they leave the house
They suffer from ED and are not willing to consult with Jennifer Anniston

They prefer to leave their gum on the bedpost over night.
They secretly adore Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and know that a perfect couple can never be matched, ever

They don’t need someone to tell them that their socks don’t match
They would rather walk the Boardwalk Empire and just experience Nuckie

Johnny Depp threatened them with missing body parts tooled away by Tim Allen

They prefer to eat at the Buffet and don’t believe in dining
They are only interested in Forrest Gump and Bubba Shrimp and know that they can’t have their seafood and eat it too

They know that David Letterman holds the ten reasons and they are holding out for number eleven before they decide to commit. This will probably never happen since they cannot count to eleven and only understand counting that includes dollar bills and a debit card.

Dating with Decon or Is It Marketing Advice?

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 15:22:00 -0400

I’m doing naughty things, I’m drinking too much, I’m going to clubs. It really didn’t matter to me, other than the fact that some parents wouldn’t let their kids hang out with me.
Macaulay Culkin

I have a tweet account that is tied to my blog. Interestingly, I have a tweet relationship with a fella who works in the lucrative world of marketing. From his tweets, it sounded like he did well so I asked him for some savvy advice with regard to marketing my book, Plenty of Carp.

The advice he gave me was in the form of a question, “What do you desire?” I thought about this and since tweets can only be 140 characters, I had to give free license to the thoughts in my head.

“Is the desire of my heart, the desire of making an impact with the message in my book or is the desire for something long term? The desire of my heart is not to have any more burst blood vessels in the temple of my forehead due to bad dates, my desire for the impact of my book is to connect with others and the desire for something long term is to have it all.

All means a relationship similar to what a box of Decon does for a mouse. I learned this from a male disc jockey on a local radio station. His summation of a good relationship is one that takes 15 minutes to satisfy, does not raid your frig and does not leave a poop stain in the toilet. In other words, in 15 minutes is the mouse is dead.

Fifteen minutes is enough time to have fun with a “real” woman and or man and then call it a night. In the morning, you awake to No what in the Hell did I do last night, have food in the frig and no poop stains in the toilet unless they belong to yours truly. Also, you have the rest of the day to figure out if you need another box of Decon or if the current one will suffice.

My desire for my book was to tell about me and for others to relate to them. Mr. Marketeer advised I should write about others. I did this with my Fargo story and have decided this is a good marketing strategy. Men and women alike have chosen to share everything I did not ask but loved being told. So, I do plan to write about others who have given me free information and not asking permission.

Long term, I would like to light the world on fire. The most common thing men ask me is if I have been trying to behave myself. I said, “Yes, lately I have been. I have been in so much trouble and I am trying to behave to see if I can make it a consistent behavior.”

All of my men told me to stop it. Behaving is boring, you don’t have any stories to tell and you aren’t making anyone happy. Hearing this, I decided to continue being naughty. And yes, I do plan to share the naughty of others and no I am not a parent to Macaulay Culkin

I do quite naughty things now. I do like to be a bit sexy.
Kylie Minogue

Should Guys Come with Batteries?

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 07:40:05 -0400

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper Comedian

I have a Fargo, North Dakota galfriend who says, “Aye, You Betcha.” We chatted this morning and I asked her “How’s tricks”? I think the expression “How’s Tricks” is about prostitution and not about a breakfast cereal. Her tricks had to do with neither.

Fargo explained that she met a Boy Toy who was a lot of laughs and interesting. This was hard for me to fathom since she met him at a bar at the Express Lanes Bowling Alley. I thought these bars only catered to guys who couldn’t find their balls. Also, he had on a regular pair of jeans that actually stayed up at his hips without the aid of a belt. What she was trying to say was that he found out “where’s the beef” and didn’t have to ask Clara Peller.

Boy Toy decided my friend was also funny, interesting and may come with another lane available that is used after dark. Fargo thought, what the hey and maybe this adventure will lead to a romp in another kind of hay.

No such luck. After a lot of this, that, these and those, Boy Toy feel asleep. Obviously, he had no idea where the lane was since he left his balls at the Express Lanes. He was not equipped with regard to expressing himself and fell asleep.

The next morning, bright and early and before the crack of dawn, Boy Toy nudged Fargo and was interested in knowing if her alley was still available. Fargo said, “Yes, all lanes are available in the morning and only one is necessary.”

Once again, Boy Toy had no luck since his aim came with a left hook. Fargo said she did not have a manual detailing and explaining left hooks and instead asked him if he came with batteries.

Boy Toy was miffed and had no idea what batteries had to do with a left hook. Fargo told him that batteries are always used to straighten out a left hook and that all toys sometimes need to be recharged.

This Boy Toy did not come equipped with batteries so Fargo told him to find another more satisfying sport. All sports equipment should come with batteries or at least an electrical cord that plugs into an outlet. With one charged the other one can get off.

Airports and Airplanes: Angelfish Dating

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:10:58 -0400

The best looking men

are in the airport,

and on airplanes.

When meeting

We become locked

in a time warp

with no past

and no future.

Our time together is

about the present

and being present.

Eyes observe

Adidas logo wear

Trim, fit build

Business attaché

Just the right height

Pleasant face with smile

Genuinely interested.

All is wonderful when

Meeting in an airport

Nothing to do

But pass the time

No past, no future,

Just a twilight zone

In a fifth dimension.

Boarding planes

Couples part

No past, no future

Only the present

The gift is gone.

One goes to London

On business

One goes home

To other business

A memory.

Dating Mrs. Robinson: Only Benjamins Need to Apply

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 07:01:06 -0400

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, I can’t do this anymore.
Mrs. Robinson: You what?
Benjamin: This is all terribly wrong.
Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?
Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you’re the most attractive of all my parents’ friends. I mean that.

One of my girlfriends, or rather a long-term acquaintance, told me that after writing my book with only a few younger men as characters, that I should write another book about dating younger men. I told her there were enough younger men mentioned in my first book to satisfy me. Satisfaction in this sense means I will think of dating a younger man if by chance it happens, but if not, then not. Age is not a factor with my dating unless the guy is still in diapers.

Age is a factor with men. Without a doubt, the first question out of a man’s mouth is, “How old are you?” This is just plain rude or indicates the guy has a brain the size of a grape. I would like to say the size of a mustard seed since it is the smallest seed on the planet, but we all know that a mustard seed grows to be one of the largest trees. Mustard seeds are Biblical in nature and in stature.

With regard to age from one woman’s viewpoint, I am the new Mrs. Robinson, the female lead in the movie The Graduate starring Anne Bancroft and a very young Dustin Hoffman. After reading my book, she mentioned on Twitter, since we do Mentions on Twitter, that my book caused her to raise her eyebrows, thus the name and gal comparison. Since I am an older gal, but not older than dirt and out of diapers, I took this as a compliment.

Thinking about the Benjamins in my book with my Mrs.Robinson’s seductions and a few conquests, I am able to roast Peas and Carrots, Woodcock, Belly Ache, Dukey, Charmin, Bucky, Asics, Aqua Boy, and Oral Hygiene. I would have preferred that there were only three so that I could refer to them as my three little pigs, my three little bears, or my three blind mice. But since I did date nine, I guess I’ll have to refer to them as my Number Nines and give John Lennon the credit for my dating mishaps.

For future, I am going to be Mrs. Robinson. The guys in my dating age bracket are back to diapers known as Depends and I can’t depend on them to change their own pants. I am out of the diaper changing stage since my grandsons have graduated to pull-ups.

Seeing myself as Mrs. Robinson puts a smile on my face. I thank the gal on Twitter every day for the reference. At the end of the day, what is important is what puts a smile on your face. Dating younger guys who are out of diapers definitely puts a smile on my face.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 12:01:00 -0400

Dating: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Unknown

There is not one date that I have had that I am able to forget. Maybe it is my fight against the Alzheimer’s factor and my desire to keep the elephant that is in the room that is the least forgetting as my friend. Maybe it is my desire to laugh at my past. And just maybe there is a part of me that doesn’t want to forget my past since it has brought me to my present. And with this thought, I present all of my guys of my past this thought of friendship in the present.

It would be nice if all of the guys I met could just be friends. Why is it so difficult to separate the beginning thought of possibly finding someone to spend the rest of my life with versus coming to the conclusion that this guy would make a great friend. I can’t see him as a lover, but I do see him as a friend.

I have met guys who drive nice cars, have lots of money, have no money, have multiple wives and multiple children, enjoy piercing body parts, talking dirty, doing dirty, don’t shave, have no fashion sense and need couch loads of therapy.

The thought of friends can be likened to Samantha from Sex in the City when she tries to befriend the Turtle. Initially, she didn’t like him or his breath but saw him as a lost cause in which her cause included changes in his life that might make him a better person if he just shut his mouth and stayed a friend.

If the men I dated were my friends, I would have enough causes to save for the rest of not only my life but also theirs. We could spend endless hours driving around the country side, talking about past dates with abandonment, giving fashion advice and analyzing what to do with past offspring attached to wives who were trying to outrun the money that didn’t exist.

There wouldn’t have to be an agenda, any idea that sex could mess everything up, thinking about STD’s, or the fact that you want to come at the guy with a razor and a new pair of underwear. All of these so-called issues could be simple conversations over simple glasses of wine and knowing that picking up the tab isn’t a problem since friends can always decide sanely that what is mine is also yours.

In the end, why can’t we be friends is never addressed. I promise myself that on future dates I will always begin with, “Hi, my name is Cindy and why can’t we be friends?” I can’t think of a more nonthreatening way to being a date. There isn’t anything hostile about becoming friends and if the fella is a complete oxymoron the both of you can still be friends. A big black book full of friends sounds like a good goal. It seems like a much better idea than the brain fart I had of pasting the pictures from Plenty of Fish on my basement wall and using them for dart practice.

Friends are like roses…you have to look out for the pricks!
Unknown

All that Jazz About Jizz

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 07:01:05 -0400

Interesting Article on How to improve the semen taste

After reading the jazz about the jizz, I do have a few research based comments. First of all, I did not know that it was a protein drink until I looked up the ingredients. Ejaculate consists mostly of protein, citric acid, fructose, sodium, chloride and smaller amounts of ammonia, ascorbic acid, acid phosphates, calcium, carbon dioxide, cholesterol, prostaglandins, creatine, and other minerals and chemicals which are produced by the prostate gland, cowpers gland, testicles and many other parts of your body, but shortly by “your body”, and your body can only use its stocks and what you eat as its raw material. The solution to the jazz about jizz is to put it in the blender with a little fruit and both partners can enjoy the protein drink with a slice of cheese. Better yet, since it is a protein drink, it could also be poured over morning breakfast in lieu of milk.

Dating: Does This Make My Butt Look Big

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:32:00 -0400

Black women don’t have the same body image problems as white women. They are proud of their bodies. Black men love big butts.
Tyra Banks quotes

White women, on the other hand or maybe it is the other cheek, do have different body images and are concerned if their butts look big. I thought about the famous songster 50 Cent and wondered if he would give his four-bits worth. He wasn’t available so here is my quarter or two-bits worth.

Ten Men to Date that accentuate the positive of a butt that might be big or,

You might have a big butt if you date:

Public Officials: They don’t have money in their pockets so you can bet they won’t have much else in their pants.
Farmers: They are always walking around looking for a hoe and you might be his Ho with a big butt.
Plumbers: These men can’t keep their pants up so you will always look like you have a big butt.
Aged Hippies: Who still don’t eat anything except field corn and red potatoes. Walking next to a cob will always make you look like you have a big butt.
Laundry Experts: These men always have their butts on the line so you can be sure yours isn’t the one that is doing the flapping in the breeze.
Zippers: Are extremely skinny men and when they stand sideways and stick out their tongues, they look like zippers. Next to these guys, any gal from the side looks like she has a big butt.

The Mechanic Monkeys: Always have a wrench in their hand and are wandering around looking for parts. Part-time with him will ensure a big butt since time spent with him is either on a tool box or the garage floor.
The Deck Ape also known as a Swabie: Hanging from the side of ship and waxing doesn’t allow time for his asset to balloon out and resemble the sponge effect.
The Lawyer: Shoots off his mouth as much as he shoots off his assets so you can bet you’ll have a big butt when standing next to him.
The Grave Digger: is always bending over and shoveling anything that begins with the letter “s” which may be some of his. Too much “s” means a big butt for you.

Two ways to guarantee you won’t have a big butt: Stand next to Kim Kardashian or JoLo and low and behold your asset looks just right.

Dating Bad Kissers: The Top Ten

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 07:01:05 -0400

Miranda: Bad kissers are the worst.
Carrie: Worst, when it comes to the worst, they’re at the top, the top of the worst.

I watched an episode of Sex in the City last night that had to do with Bad Kissers. I thought I was the only one who had this experience but now know I was wrong. When dating a bad kisser, it is all over with. You can’t teach an old kisser new kissing. They came out with those suckers from the womb.

The Top Ten Worst Kissers and in Dancing with the Stars Tom Bergeron no order:

Teeth Kissers – Are followers of Hannibal Lector trying to Silence the Lambs.

Braces Kissers – Also related to Hannibal and his band of Dental Hygienists.
Gum Kissers – Don’t know enough to spit out their gum and are clueless that you are not into sharing.
Limp Kissers – not referenced with another limp node. These kissers are referenced with limp hand shakers and not to be confused with soft kissers which are good kissers.
Can’t Find You Kissers – Have no idea where or how to locate your mouth.

Sloppy Kissers – Kiss with so much saliva that your face felt like it just went through a car wash.
Hard Kissers – Kiss so hard that your lips have permanently become a part of your gums. This is not to be confused with gum kissers.
Rotor Router Kissers: Their tongues are not interested in finding yours and are more interested in finding another way to your vagina via your mouth.
Can’t Find Your Tongue Kissers: Have no idea where your tongue is and spend the entire time searching in a clockwise motion. Some of them search in a counterclockwise motion. Some have no motion.
Closed Mouth Kissers: They never learned to open their mouth while kissing and no one told them that this was called a peck.

Dating Anxiety: The Jitters of It All

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 07:00:00 -0400

With regard to advice and dating anxiety, I tried to formulate words of wisdom that someone else has not said. The words were next to impossible, but I can tell you what worked for me that may work for you. What worked for me was sitting on my hands.

I was married to one man all of my adult life and through death found myself a young widow, and I will let you determine young. After almost three years of being nervous and still single, I decided to “just get out there and do it”. If I had to sit on my hands during the date, I thought this may be a better option than having sweat dripping from my scalp and being tongue tied.

This notion of just doing it may seem like too simple of an answer when you are trying to get yourself together just to get out the door, but using mind over matter really does work. It reminded me of the Little Engine that Could and, “I think I can, I think I can” with think being the operative word. I practiced this mantra the first time I went out on a date, and yes, I was still nervous.

As with all words of wisdom, they must come with an example for a connection to real life. The example I will use is with my first Mr. Date. He arrived prior to me, so I had a second of time to enter the restaurant booth with a smile on my face. He was not what I was looking for, since as my first date, I really didn’t know what I was looking for.

After our introductions, he certainly wasn’t about me or what he was looking for. He was about telling me about all of his previous dates and how he felt he got short changed. It was at this time, my nervousness wore a little less of a smile but I still kept up the charade. I was in the “fake until you make it” mode. You will be amazed how you will be able to switch gears dependent upon the dating experience. Shattered nerves will become nerves of steel. Maybe they will match your buns of steel.

After a few more jabs at others, I decided my nerves were going to get me through this experience and he was going to pay the tab. My nerves were not going to have a problem telling the waitress that Mr. Date needed the check, please. With this, my anxiety was gone.

I have had a lot of first dates, plan to have many more and now know what to do with my anxiety. “Just go out there and do it” is my mantra. This is similar to the Nike quote of “just do it” but different since running in a sleet storm to the top of a mountain versus sitting on your hands is a completely different workout..

Men Say the Darndest Things

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 19:25:20 -0400

“Surely, you can’t be serious.” “I am serious … and don’t call me Shirley.” (“Airplane”)

Quoting other people has become a part of me since all of us are smarter than one of us. (Michigan State University methods course orientation). The following are not wisdom but were worth quoting.

Top Ten Quotes from the Darndest Men:

1. I am busy every day except Sunday. How does Sunday at 3:00 p.m. work for you?

2. My mother told me to post a baby photo on online dating sites since she found them endearing.

3. I have a lot of money but I am going to ask you to pay your portion of the bill since I am not sure I want to see you again.

4. I am not a runner. Don’t ask me to run. Also, don’t ask me to walk.

5. I love reading books even though I have not read one in the past twenty years. Oh, yes, does bathroom reading count?

6. I only post head shots online since it is the only part I can include in a photo that I am taking of myself. I haven’t figured out to take a photo of my entire body.

7. Thanks for putting up with me.

8. Who is Pavlov? Is he a member of the rock group Kiss? Pavlov is about tongues, right?

9. Take off your glasses so I can see what you look like?

10. I only wear Polish tee shirts under my dress shirts. I am fond of the hair that sprouts from the top of my chest that also meets my neck. It took me a long time to learn this grooming technique.

(“Caddyshack”)

First Date with Military Man: My Encounter with Obsession

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 07:00:05 -0400

I once dated a man who was obsessed with his work in the military. He was the first and last hard-core military man date. By hard-core, I mean he lived, ate and breathed the military life.

This is an honorable stance and I applaud his loyalty. I am also a loyal person but not on dates. I have no desire to overwhelm or produce anxiety in someone I have just met. Therefore, discussing my work is somewhat private.

Military man bored me to tears. It was one of those dates that you cannot get out of since he is in charge of driving the car. Instead of dinner, lunch, movie, or getting drunk over good Reisling wine, he chose to take me on a three hour tour of his military base.

Twenty minutes would have been overkill or maybe I experienced being road kill.

Three hours of looking at statues, barracks, buildings, bullets, guns, tanks, and family gatherings reunited as circus acts (it was celebrate the circus day) was more than I could handle. It seemed obvious that he was obsessed with his work and hadn’t been exposed to any other agenda item as a dating option.

I finally had to make a real excuse and say I was late for dinner. But before I could make a quick get-away, he had to stop and take one more picture of yet another statue. He almost got hit by a car as he ran across the street to take the snapshot.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the military and am a patriotic citizen. I just don’t consider it a good date night. I would never think of taking someone on a date through the hallowed halls of my alma mater since it obviously wouldn’t be exciting or matter.

I know it wouldn’t be exciting. I do know that there is a place for your underwear to be rolled up like a hot dog so you can fit 200 pairs in one drawer, not even a speck of dirt can rest on the floor, and following rules for every aspect of your life are important in a military life.

But as a civilian, I have learned that underwear wears the same when it is thrown in the drawer, cats eat up the specks on the floor, and rules are made to be changed. I guess I’m just not hard core and obsession is to be left to those who need order.

When I think of order, I think of an order of Biggie Fries. Thank you.

You will soon find that I am a bit obsessive about my work. And that is a little sad, one often feels strangely restricted, not finding time to simmer, although one actually has many interests. - Arne Jacobsen, Danish Architect and Designer

My Top 6 Most Boring Dates that Brought Me to Tears

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 07:01:06 -0400

Cindy Lucy Definition: Boring/ - a by-product of a Carp that makes one laugh until peeing.

With the use of my book Plenty of Carp: A Fishing Guide for Dating Singles, I comprised a list of my most boring dates by pairing them with their most appropriate definition and storybook or poetry reference. You will understand the entire boredom by reading the selections from my book.

My Five – Six, Pick Up Sticks most boring dates and in the Tom Bergeron’s Dancing With the Stars no particular order:

Boring: the deadening effect of some routine tasks – from the short story, Dancing with Woodcock. “It seemed that Mr. Woodcock Carp was obsessed with mowing his lawn, sweating, fainting, heavy breathing and bouts of diarrhea.”

A boring evening with an uninteresting person – from the short story, Al and the Rest of the Family. “Al continued to play slots, continued to win, and continued to point his finger at the dollar amounts. I just wanted to take his finger and pull it to see if it farted.”

Bored: a ho-hum speaker who couldn’t capture their attention – from the short story Boobs. “I was not even listening to Big Boob as he rambled on and on. I felt the only way I could fit into any part of this conversation was to have a boob job.”

Boring: so lacking in interest as to cause mental weariness- from the poem, I’m Dull. “I love to read and just sit on the porch. I walk by myself and can be absorbed with nothing for hours.”

Bored: blasé - uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence - from the poem, I’m A Rich Man, but I’ve Gone Too Far. “I am a rich man and tight with my dollars. For in being frugal, I can shower myself with powers.”

Boringness: extreme dullness; lacking spirit or interest from the Short Story Money Trumps Passion. “I told him no, and finally to put him out of the pond, I told him if he ever had to go to a wedding or an event, then I would be the gal for him.”

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know.
Bette Davis, Actrress

The Top Ten Dating Photo Crimes: Guess Me if You Can

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 07:00:06 -0400

Spending hours searching and looking at fellas’ online photos is a crime in itself. Anyone who has excessive time to spend in front of the computer should put it to better use.

My idea of better use is online shopping that includes free shipping. I rarely make mistakes with online shopping and if I don’t like what I got in the mail, I can always send it back. This is not such an easy do with fellas. Most fellas don’t fit in packing boxes and envelopes. Maybe they have to be shipped back in oil drums.

The Top Ten Online Dating Photo Crimes and Tom Berenger’s Dancing with the Stars in no particular order:

Eyes Shots. I have looked at a lot of eyes and wonder if these fellas place the camera up close and personal since they think their eyes are their best attribute. Showing only their eyes could be hiding lies with regard to the rest of their bodies.
Baby Shots: I have no idea why some fellas choose to hold a baby in a photo. This seems like child abuse.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Shots: These fellas’ photos look like they should be on the TV program Cops or America’s Most Wanted and include grizzled looks, blank stares and teeth that resemble a log jam in Washington State.
Family Shots: Every time I see a family photo I think of a Polish wedding and wonder when they are going to Roll Out the Barrel…we’ll have a barrel of fun.
Head shots: When seeing these I tend to wonder if small heads are accompanied with smaller bodies or if big heads are accompanied with bigger bodies. A head shot is a false sense of the unknown.
Lack of Attire Shots: Speedos, tube socks and cargo shorts are just plain stupid and a no no.
Baby photos: Any fella who includes a baby photo is probably still living with his mother. There is nothing wrong with living with a mother unless she is still tying his shoes and will have nothing to do with Velcro.
Dancing Photos: These are usually posed and the Carp probably doesn’t dance, never danced and will never dance thus your future life with a wall flower.
Drinking Alcohol Shots: Leave these flies in the bar. Nothing serious or of substance can happen over a one night stand with fellas whose favorite food group is beverages.
Older Photos (as in outdated): These shots are the most devious of crimes even though I mentioned in no particular order. I have met men who did not even remotely resemble the species uploaded on the screen.

“A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.”
Diane Arbus, American Photographer

My Interview with WZZM13 about Plenty of Carp

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 12:24:53 -0400

My Interview with WZZM13 about Plenty of Carp

Top 10: I Don't Want to Date this Guy

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 07:01:06 -0400

Top 10 I Don’t Want to Date this Guy songs from the TV game show Guess the Lyrics:

Give Me Back My Bullets by Lynyrd Skynyrd - One shot at you is not enough.
Radar Love by Golden Earring - Speed freak in stolen cars.
Twilight Zone by Golden Earring - Looks like Chewbacca from Star Wars.
Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw - A Stalker.
What I’ve Done by Linkin Park - Broke the 10 Commandments.
Bed Intruder Song the iTunes version - Into forced sex.
Back to Black by Amy Winehouse - Only dates morticians.
Brown Sugar by The Rolling Stones - Only interested in oral, and I’m not referring to hygiene.
While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles - Tells sob stories of why he doesn’t have any money.
Mr. Postman by The Marvelettes - Never returns your snail or email.

Top 10 Dating Sites to Visit before You Die: Where to find a “Real” Man

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 07:00:06 -0400

“A hard man is good to find.”
Mae West, Movie Queen of the 1920’s and 1930’s

A “real” man is not hard to find if you know where to look. Many gals spend time online or in bars and the results are either snagging an online Carp or waking up the next morning and not remembering being enjoyed.

I have had many women ask me how I meet so many men either by choice or by not looking. I prefer not to look because when I am not in pursuit the man usually becomes the pursuer. Meeting men by chance is a better choice since the choice has a secret Pink Panther purpose.

The Top 10 Places to Meet Men before You Die (and in no particular order):

Dick’s Sporting Goods: Yes, I must confess I have shopped here in the past but keep in mind the name of the store is Dick’s. Besides purchasing a kayak, I might come across a good deal on a used Dick.
The Golf Mart: This is a worldwide chain of stores sporting golfing needs but any golf store will do. With one quick visit, a gal could get advice as to which balls to purchase and make a hole in one before she leaves the store door.
Home Depot: As a woman, it is easy to feign ignorance and just raise your hand in any aisle and have at least 100 men fly right over to you and become stuck like glue. Real men are always circling around Home Depot and love nuts and bolts or it may be nuts and balls.
Gander Mountain: Most men love to hunt and fish and when spotting a gal in the store must assume the same. Let the man assume since we all know that to assume makes an ass out of him and you instead of me and you. Both asses in a tent work fine for them.
Menards: Even though this store is similar to Home Depot, it is much smaller in scale and easier to find a man since there are fewer aisles and less nuts and balls.
Grocery Stores: This is a no brainer since everyone has to shop. I have met many men in the produce aisle squeezing and smelling melons. Make sure you follow him to his car to see if his vehicle matches what he purchased. In short, the melon in the store should not match the lemon in the parking lot.
Trader Vic’s: Allows you to trade your dead carcass in for a new. You might even be lucky enough to get Vic.
Harley Davidson Motorcycles: This is another feign of ignorance for assistance store. Harley fella may tell you that you are too much of a damsel and offer to ride you out of your distress. Riding him will just be the beginning of new adventures.
Hooters: This seems like the most likely place to find men since they are always looking for a hoot to toot or it might even be a pair of hoots.
Rite-Aid Pharmacy: This is an obvious choice since everyone needs over the counter drugs. The aisle including medicinal choices for erectile dysfunction is your best choice if you have four extra hours to spend on your hands and knees.

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.

~Tammy Faye Bakker

Did Napoleon Wear a Fanny Pack?

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 07:00:05 -0400

“They don’t fit in your pocket, you have to wear a fanny pack.”

~ Bryce Compton author, writer

Last year, I got a phone call from a guy who had a foreign accent who said he got my name from one of the expensive dating services. I asked him what took him so long since I had received his information over a month ago. He told me was abroad on business. I wanted to ask him which broad he was on and what was the business?

I had written the guy off from the outset since his stats didn’t measure up to my liking. He was listed at 5’8” which translates at a height equal to or lesser than mine. Not all, but many of the men I have met who lack stature suffer from Napoleon Syndrome.

According to the Urban Dictionary, Napoleon Syndrome describes a type of inferiority complex suffered by Caucasian men who are short and/or suffer from erectile dysfunction. Characteristics include lying to inflate importance i.e. “I have a red corvette.” Or in this case, “I have a foreign accent.”

Foreign Accent wore me down and wanted to meet for dinner and of course I said, “Yes”. He also asked if he could spend the night since he had an hour’s drive to the restaurant. I told him definitely not. I have neighbors and besides, it is not like you are driving from a foreign country. Even if he was driving from Canada, which is only a couple of hours away, I would have told about the Stay Here hotel chain located nearby.

So another dinner time arrives with an unknown species. I arrive, pause at the parking lot and spot the littlest man I have ever seen other than ones in the circus or Chelsea Handler’s Chewy.

In fact, I think he was one of the last munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. Not only was he littler than me but he was also wearing a fanny pack. Who wears this sort of thing and also lies about his height? I have seen 5’8” and I am pretty sure Foreign Accent was no taller than Napoleon Bonaparte.

I did a drive-by with no-good-byes. Lying about being short and wearing a fanny pack are both deal breakers in my book. Also, I don’t care that he had a foreign accent, what country he came from and what broads he does business with. Lastly, I have no idea if he suffered from erectile dysfunction and Napoleon is dead so I knew he didn’t have the answer either.

“But I have always liked bird dogs rather than kennel-fed dogs myself — you know, one that will get out and hunt for food rather than sit on his fanny and yell.

~ Charles Erwin Wilson, United States Secretary of Defense from 1953 to 1957