Looking for Ms. Long-Term

I don’t really know how to relate to a long-term day-in day-out kind of comfortable relationship.
Diane Lane

Last Saturday night, I spent a few moments showing my daughter-in-law some of the men who were viewing my bio from the online dating site most famously known as Plenty of Fish. Of course, she had never been on the site since she is married to my wonderful oldest son, but I just had to do a little show and tell. As an oldest child, I have never been able to shake or break Kindergarten and “sharing” time.


My daughter-in-law became intrigued with the site and menu options including a bunch of different guys who get to view you without even asking. We spent time having fun and cracking up at guys who submitted photos without consulting a loved one. Anyone who has loved ones understands censorship. We settled on a photo of a scruffy looking guy with blue eyes and decided to write him a “quick note”. Is there any other kind? I simply said, “Hello”. Mindful, we were only doing photo shoots and had not progressed to the reading of the personal information stage.


Next morning, scruffy guy writes back and tells me his name and that is it. So, I decided to read his bio which took about an hour. It seems some guys are much better with their fingers than they are with their mouths and tell more than they should. Scruffy shared his likes, dislikes, books, music, quotes, inspirations and perspirations. There was so much stuff that I am sure that the length would qualify for an extra volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica, but they are probably no longer in print.


Scruffy wrote a few more emails with only a couple of words. His last question was with regard to knowing where I lived. Our distance from each other was about an hour too long. After this information, I did not hear from him and decided to let him off the hook with a short note and told him, “bye”. His reply, “I’m looking for long-term? Are you?”


Dazed and confused and trying to figure out how the man of a thousand words who was searching for a long-term gal decided to tell me so with just a few words. Was he all worded out? Did someone else compose his scripture? How do you get to long-term with only a few term words in an email? For all I know, he may be a fan of buffets since it involves long-term sitting and eating and I am not going there.


In the end, I am done with Mr. Long-Term. Who asks such a question? Well, it certainly has to be a guy below the age of 55. Anyone over the double nickels knows that long-term is only for a day. Any time more than that is up to speculation and not worth the worry that long-term, like financial planning, may crash on Wall Street.

Goals help you overcome short-term problems.
Hannah More

The Buffet

 Three, six, nine The goose drank wine The monkey chewed tobacco On the streetcar line The line broke The monkey got choked And they all went to Heaven In a little row boat. Clap, Pat, Clap Pat…Shirley Ellis

I had an online fish on the line for a couple of weeks but the short of it is, is that the fella wrote nice emails, had a nice voice on the telephone but the line broke when he took me to a buffet for our first day.


This is not the best place for steaming a plate full of romantic interest when the ambiance is smothered with gravy, grits and a passel of folks who are just concerned about how much they can pack into their gizzards for $9.99. I even broke down and told him I was a senior citizen so that he could get a discount on the tab. Who makes up this stuff?


I just couldn’t warm up to him over my plastic glass of water and trying to figure out what line to get in with regard to the one-hundred and fifty-nine food choices. What kind of a guy takes a gal to the buffet? I don’t even eat at the buffet at Mexico travel destinations.


It’s fine if you are ordering an omelet for breakfast but the rest of the meal choices are just that, choices. There are so many choices and I am a decision maker. So for $7.99 I chose the salad, seafood and seven glasses of water. Small talk after packing in as much as he could had my eyeballs swimming and looking for the nearest toilet. I struggle with going to the bathroom with strange men sitting across the table from me.


 I wanted to tell him that the dining choice was a poor choice but letting him break the line from his end was to be my intent. If he can’t figure it out, I am certainly not going to tell him that I did not get dressed up in my Victoria Secret underwear, bra, camisole and red “whorerendous” boots to spend an hour at the buffet. I even had to make up a new word to describe my whore outfit to someone who probably appreciates no underwear and sweatpants.


Waiter: And for you sir?
Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
Waiter: Now, when you’re ready take this plate up and…
Homer: [already at buffet taking out a steam tray]
Employee at restaurant: [panicking] No sir! Don’t take the steam tray!

The Simpsons

The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Aren’t Committing
  • Commitment is a Mission Impossible


  • Their mother already combs their hair before they leave the house
  • They suffer from ED and are not willing to consult with Jennifer Anniston


  • They prefer to leave their gum on the bedpost over night.
  • They secretly adore Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and know that a perfect couple can never be matched, ever


  • They don’t need someone to tell them that their socks don’t match
  • They would rather walk the Boardwalk Empire and just experience Nuckie


  • Johnny Depp threatened them with missing body parts tooled away by Tim Allen


  • They prefer to eat at the Buffet and don’t believe in dining
  • They are only interested in Forrest Gump and Bubba Shrimp and know that they can’t have their seafood and eat it too


  • They know that David Letterman holds the ten reasons and they are holding out for number eleven before they decide to commit. This will probably never happen since they cannot count to eleven and only understand counting that includes dollar bills and a debit card.